A recommendation of “Sell as fast as you possibly can!!!!” from someone who is claiming to be the Christ
What I have to say here consists of a few irrefutable facts and my own interpretations of these facts. My interpretations and recommendations are only that. Before you panic and run out of this theatre, please determine for yourself whether you think it really is on fire. I am only expressing my opinion, in the interest of full disclosure and as many others have expressed, that it is on fire, which I supposedly have an inalienable right to do.
On March 1, 2005 the history channel aired a program (I believe this was the first time this particular episode was broadcast) about the Bible Code, the code contained within the original Hebrew texts of the Torah, which seems to explicitly foretell every major event and important person from history. Code breakers are only beginning to discover what is contained in the Bible Code. I believe that the entire contents of the Bible Code may be revealed this year and that it will indeed prove to be a blueprint for the entire saga of history since biblical times.
I have been placing full page newspaper ads in my home town of Seattle for almost one year in which I have claimed to an incarnation of the Son of God. I have published approximately 20 pages of such ads over the past year. I have been portraying myself as a sort of “psychedelic Christ,” saying such things as that I believe Terence McKenna, the prophet who was the greatest and most articulate proponent of the psychedelic experience in this era (and you can go back as far as you want in defining “this era,” because I might as well have said “of all time”) was a reincarnation of John the Baptist and that he will soon be resurrected in order to corroborate things that I am saying about the importance of the psychedelic experience. Note that I am not claiming to be “the second-coming.” I am claiming to be one of several incarnations of the Christ, including the patriarch of the Jews, Isaac, as well as other notable figures from history since the Biblical era, including Thomas Jefferson, King Arthur and Mohandas Gandhi. The second coming is an event that has not yet officially occurred, but that I expect will occur in the current year.
In my published statements, I have named the two people who I believe are the living incarnations of the other two members of the Holy Trinity. I have not discussed any of this with either one of them directly or indirectly, nor has either of these two persons made any statements that I am aware of that they consider themselves to be persons who will fulfill biblical prophesies, that they know anything about me, or that they have any affiliation with one another. These two persons whom I have named as “The Father” and “The Holy Spirit” are the rock star Neil Young, who I believe is the current incarnation of the author of the Bible Code, and Prem Rawat, a man recognized by millions of people as an enlightened spiritual master. I have said that I believe that the Roman Catholic Church will recognize Prem Rawat as God-almighty in the year 2005.
Earlier on the same day that the History Channel aired the program about the Bible Code, the two major weekly newspapers in Seattle went to press with my latest ads, a total of five pages, in which I make very strong and compelling statements about myself and about the nature of reality and the near-term future course of events that I foresee.
I have for some time been making published statements that relate to the History Channel revelation including the following:
That the world ends in 2012 and therefore that the seven year period of “Tribulation” following the “Rapture” begins in the year 2005.
That I am the Christ;
That I intuitively understand many things pertaining to the Bible Code;
That the world will end in a nuclear holocaust;
That the Bible Code will corroborate many things that I have said.
Note: Terence McKenna, who is arguably the most intelligent person ever to walk the face of this Earth, also predicted the end of the world as we know it in 2012, and many people also say that the Mayan Calendar predicts the same. I have said that there is probably a direct correlation between Terence McKenna’s Time Wave Theory, in which he posits that the frequency of the occurrence of novelty in the world is increasingly at a logarithmic rate such that it spikes to infinity in 2012, and the frequency of the occurrence of Bible Code reference with respect to time. What I believe about the Bible Code and the possibility of a correlation between it and McKenna’s theory is derived entirely from witnessing three television documentaries on the subject of the Bible Code recently, my having read three of McKenna’s books none of which were about the Time Wave Theory, having heard bits and pieces of a couple recordings of his lectures, and my own intuition. Needless to say, if they turn out to be true, these statements will be regarded as some of the most amazing things that anyone has ever come up with to say.
The History channel program that aired on Tuesday March 1st stated that there are Bible Code references that explicitly indicate that the world will end in a nuclear Holocaust in the year 2012.
In my latest ads that appear on Wednesday, I offered to wager $10,000 against the persons who would give me the longest odds that Prem Rawat and Neil Young will corroborate my claim to being the Christ. Somehow I have a feeling that no one is going to offer me odds as low as even one in twenty at this point in time, even though very few people in Seattle have shown interest in what I have been saying for the past year in spite of the fact that I have been saying the most amazing things anyone has ever purchased newspaper ads in order to say. The obvious lesson being that human beings live in denial of and have a tremendous aversion to Truth. In spite of making these statements claiming to be the Christ repeatedly in full page newspaper ads for almost a year, I have never been approached by a rabbi or minister of any persuasion, nor have I been interviewed on the subject by any print journalist from any publication, including a non-profit leftist newspaper in Seattle of which I was a major patron for several years. At approximately the time of publishing my first ad I was named as the first “Evergreen Citizen” by a monthly periodical published in Seattle, an honor that it has since bestowed upon one exemplary member of the local community in each month’s issue, by virtue of the good works that I have done in this community over the years. Yet even this publication along with all others in the world has completely ignored my very noticeable statements of the past year. To my knowledge, there has not been one single news story about me even after repeatedly making these statements. Note: The New York Times itself refused to publish a statement that I wanted to publish as a paid advertisement in its pages several months ago. (I will be happy to delete this sentence if NY Times agrees to publish this statement and if the Times would prefer that I do delete it.)
I would like to ask what I think is a poignant question: Based on what you have just read, do you really think Amazon.com, Google and other companies whose stocks trade at high premiums relative to recent performance are going to pay sufficient dividends in the next seven years to justify the current valuation of their stocks, should the world indeed be coming to an end in 2012?
One of the things that I say in my ad that went to press before the History Channel program was aired is that I believe very soon the most heavily traded securities will be the ones with the highest correlation to the market sentiment regarding the veracity of the things that I have been saying in general and the likelihood that it is true that the world is coming to an end in particular.
I also have stated that when He speaks to the world in the near future the Creator Himself will express His disapproval of the entire pharmaceutical industry. Now that I think someone might have reason to pay attention to what I am saying, I offer this disclosure: I would like to advise market players that I myself am the owner of a significant number of “puts” in the stocks of pharmaceutical companies. If anyone wants to accuse me of “insider trading” based on my telepathic communication with God-almighty I would certainly welcome a discussion of whether or not this constitutes insider trading, that is, if there really is nothing else about my message that interests the world. It wouldn’t surprise me if people would take a position of accusing me of interfering with markets before they even bothered finding out more about what I have to say and to consider the implications in their own lives.
If what the History Channel program and my own statements both purport to be true are actually true, the profits of corporations will most certainly be adversely affected by the circumstances of this world in the aftermath of events that would necessarily be occurring in this year. Not to mention valuations. To anyone interested in remaining a market player in spite of the possibility of chaos and volatility in the markets that could be so extreme as to overwhelm the market-makers and clearinghouses, I would highly recommend hedging your long equity positions with puts.
I would also recommend the following to any investor who wishes to position himself to profit from the increase in market volatility that would be likely to occur during the course and in the aftermath of a thorough and public investigation into the matter of the Bible Code revelations and the persons who are the subjects of my statements. The significant possibility of huge increases in market volatility could be exploited by purchasing options spreads in any markets - stocks, commodities, financial futures, etc. - that one might expect to undergo the greatest volatility explosions. Though I do not know, I would assume that the prices of options (as a function of implied volatility) in the overall stock market must currently be at or near long-terms lows given the relatively low volatility of the stock markets over the past couple of years. Purchasing out-of-the-money puts and calls at this time would put a speculator in a position of reaping huge profits if the markets respond to the revelations that I believe are about to explode into the world with the spectacular increase in volatility that is not only conceivable but likely. To ponder the possibility of such an increase in volatility, try considering this:
How would the market value a thirty year United States T Bond in an environment in which many people are experiencing a dawning awareness or belief that the world will end before the Bond matures? The Eurodollar contracts traded on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange constitute one the largest markets in the world. There is a great deal of open interest in Eurodollar contracts that extend several years into the future. This is an historically low-volatility market that could be thrown into extreme turmoil as a result of what is likely to occur, in my opinion, in the near future, basically beginning with this ad.
Market positions such as an out-of-the-money option spread in such potentially volatile markets as stocks and interest-bearing securities appear to me to as opportunities for reaping great profits regardless of whether the speculator believes that these predictions of the end of the world are true or not. The question is not whether the investor believes the world is coming to an end, the question is whether the markets will be impacted by serious and credible revelations that the Bible Code itself will soon be revealing many of its secrets, including that which was revealed by the History Channel, namely, that the world is soon going to end in a nuclear holocaust. How can this not be the beginning of an incredibly tumultuous period?
I will be happy to accept any gifts from anyone who profits as a result of reading and acting upon my statements here. Needless to say, my profession is not and has never been as a financial advisor. I am just stating what any sixth grader could tell you if he thought about it. It’s the kind of thing the Eddie Murphy character might have come up with in the film Trading Places.
I would also suggest gold as a wise investment at this time, relative to stocks. Why? Because I have a feeling that the relatively small number of people who leave this world and move on to a realm without Shame and its inevitably world-destroying effects will be taking this one thing in particular with them and giving it as a gift to their God. Gold may be the one thing that retains its value best as the End Times proceed to their conclusion. As the Bible Code no doubt makes predictions of drought and famine in the years to come, I would say that long term contracts in basic agricultural commodities may also be a better investment at this time than stocks whose value is dependent upon a presumption that the status quo will continue long into the future. Those who wish to cling to their dreams of accumulating wealth in this dog eat dog world could profit handsomely from their ownership of the highly leveraged futures contracts to take delivery of wheat, corn, soybeans, sugar, coffee and so forth in the future and sell them at huge profits as the hungry and starving people of the world drive the prices of food itself up relative to all other tangible and intangible goods. Somehow I think a loaf of bread will soon be more valuable to people than the prospects of getting rich on their ownership of a stake in the intellectual property of Google. And in the case of gold, they may be able to sell their gold at a great profit to the people who will be taking that gold into the newly created world called Heaven. Don’t ask me what they will do with the money, for I do not have any idea. Perhaps they could try to bring the gold with them to Hell.
I have stated my belief that the Bible Code does not contain what would correctly be called “predictions,” but rather that it is more like a program or a set of directions that directs the primordial Mind or Imagination in which everything exists. It is a set of directions for what will, by definition, occur. It is the plan for the world that was created for the fulfillment of very specific purposes that are in this very moment being fulfilled, namely, my own awakening into being the Christ, or son of God, and the destruction of the enemies of the God, who are legion.
I would like to say two more things:
1) Good luck as an investor living in denial of what you have just read.
2) Good luck as an immortal soul living in denial of what you have just read.
Thanks for listening. Bubye for now.
Love,
Jeffy-weffy, the son of the tele-tubbie God, whose own tele-tubbie name, as far as I know, rhymes with Ducky-wucky, and the oh-so-sweet and delicious tele-tubbie Goddess called Tinky-winky.
Here’s one more thing I would like to say: Good luck as an immortal soul who believes that tele-tubbies present a threat to anyone at all. As you might expect, my tele-tubbie daddy does not like people who say bad things about tele-tubbies. He does not like those people at all… I recommend that all homophobic and tele-tubbie-phobic people who refer to a long haired, peace and love talking, sandal wearing, homophobic white supremacist named Jesus Christ as being their “personal lord and savior” go as quickly as you can to your local Roman Catholic church and make an appointment to see the pastor to discuss your repentance and so that he can assist you in undertaking your true acceptance of a God who really truly is Loving God and not a Hating God. The Son of the God who is Love is not a white supremacist, nor is he homophobic. He actually likes boys very much, as a matter of fact, as does his Father. We also like one another a lot and we like to express this love for one another with the utmost affection. We express this affection without any regard for shame whatsoever. I am a member of a very successful tele-tubbie family. I attribute our success to the child-like quality of our hearts, and the complete disregard for shame that this child-like quality of our hearts enables. We do not suffer from the plague of shame. In our family there is no homophobia, nor is there an incest taboo. I call us the leaders of the incest tribe, the tribe with one mother and one father and everyone else brothers and sisters. We are the one tribe that survives the Wars between the Tribes. The deity of the people who do not like our family is named Allah, the penis-envying mother of Oedipus, the Antichrist. I call her Nurse Rachet. She is our enemy and she and her followers will not be coming with us when we leave this world.
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