Um, excuse me. Hi. Gosh, I’m so sorry to come into the conversation so late, but I thought I should jump in and say something. It’s about all this anti-gay marriage stuff and family values and all that. Actually I have a question I wanted to ask. I guess it’s kind of a rhetorical question , since I don’t know who really is gonna even want to try to think of an answer, but I figure someone’s gotta ask it and I guess it’s gonna have to be me. I mean, if no one has asked it yet, then I guess it must be because they left it up to me. Sheesh!
So let me introduce myself. I’m a guy named Jeff, but you know?, I’m not sure I like that name so much anymore, it sounds a little too close to Jesus, and I sure as heck know that I’m through with Jesus after all these people been mixing that name up with a buncha really twisted shit in the past few years. Buncha racists and bigots calling me their personal lord and savior and all that, you know, I just gonna have to dump that name. Maybe some other Messiah can pick it up and use it. SO you can call me Tinky Winky now. So yeah this is the tele-tubbie Christ, the son of the teletubbie God and I had a question I wanted to ask.
The question I have for all you people out there who call yourselves Christians who like to order up your “family values” cooked up Southern-style with some chicken fried homophobia with a dollop of white supremacy with the gravy on the side. I’m not sure why nobody ever asked this before, it really is kind of strange that I’m the one who had to ask after all these years. If I had known you were gonna get this far off track I probably would have come back somewhere along the way to try to straighten you out, but my tele-tubbie daddy had the plan all worked out and he had me busy with a few other things. Maybe he just wanted to let things go on their own just like he always does, at least for a while anyway. A coupla thousand years is a good amount of time to let things sort of settle into what they are trying to become. Live and let live, that’s what he always says. He’s just really into that gosh-darned freedom thing. You know, like freedom to become the person you really want to be? I guess it’s so he can really know who you are so on Judgment Day he knows exactly who he is dealing with. But I have to say, I am pretty amazed. Anyway, sorry, I’ll get to the question now. Here it is, and I’ll just say it straight up: What the hell kind of guy do you think my dad is, anyway? Did you think he was a racist homophobic kind a guy that loves to hate people, like you do? He’s not quite like that, and well, I gotta tell ya, I really don’t think you would like him. He’s really different from you. You really probably don’t even want to bother, because when you find out who he is you are gonna feel like a really big jerk.
I’m just curious, like what sort of relationship were you thinking you were gonna have with your Creator when you were with him in Heaven? Did you ever think about that? I mean were you gonna be golfing buddies or were you and him were gonna be like a coupla’ guys with beer bellies who like to watch football on Sundays? Someone to go with to the Monster truck rallies? Someone you can go out gay bashing with? IS that the kind of God you were hoping for? Did you ever think a thought like, “when I’m in heaven with God, I wanna do this with him, or I wanna show my appreciation to him in this way or that way?” Did you ever for one second think, “jeez, I just can’t wait to meet my Creator?” I mean you must have thought he was a nice guy, otherwise why even bother being a Christian? But really somehow, I just don’t see where you were really thinking about what your relationship you would have with God would look like.
It’s kind of a little bit upsetting to say this, but I really think I should. See, you actually are a bit confused. You kinda got your gods switched up… gosh, how come no one told these people??? You actually have the wrong God in mind, our God isn’t like the one that you want. Yours is the other one. No, I’m not saying that, I don’t think your God is Satan. No your God isn’t exactly Satan. Funny thing, I think its possible there really is no Satan, we just made him up to help us get rid of the real problem, that really sick god that’s the one that you guys like. That really sick woman and her really sick son, Oedipus. The Queen and Prince of Shame. Sorry to have to be the one to give you what may seem like bad news, but I just showed up on the scene, so don’t blame me for waiting until the eleventh hour.
Anyway, that is the God you are worshiping. They have a way of doing that to people, making people worship them while thinking that they were worshiping my father. It’s a funny thing. Amazing how they get away with that. You’re not gonna like this, but I think I have to tell you their name. See, that really sick woman, she had a really bad case of penis envy and wanted to be the God of this world instead of Satan, so like she came up with this really sick plan. Oh my. It’s pretty sick, but you need to hear this, you really need to know. See, she wanted to be God but you know, she herself mighta been a bit confused on who god really was. In truth we already have a God who’s a pretty darn wonderful, a perfect tele-tubbie God in every way, but this world is a place where Satan has been allowed to have a shot at his idea of a world of mortality with an incest taboo. She saw the taboo as her opportunity to take control from Satan. So she tried to think up a way she could take the power away from him by this really twisted plot that to be honest I can’t really explain, other than sort of twisting everyone’s minds into another dimension or something and making everything all messed up in a Matrix sort of a way, and then making up all kinds of lies and stuff. See, she and her shamed son are like vampires or parasites and they been running around messing things up for a long time. So we set this up trap thingy called “this world” and we let Satan run the show, and that’s when her and her son the antichrist come in. And now we got ‘em and we’re gonna flush em out forever. Well here’s the bad news, unfortunately for you, we’re gonna hafta flush out the people who worhip them too. But I’ll get back to that in a sec. I was gonna tell you a bit more about her methods. See, she tempted her son, you know, to do her, and then she shamed him so that she could completely control him. Well anyway, to make an extremely long story short, her son is this guy who came into the world as Mohammed and they started this religion called Islam, where they go to the mosque and get really really ashamed together and then they fight and blow people up and stuff. Well you chose a better religion than that, but then you turned it into just another sect of Islam. See, Your God, the one who hates fags and all that, that god is called “Allah,” the goddess of the shamed. She and her son are walking disasters and they seemed to have suckered some of you into their twisted ways of thinking.
See the thing is, our God, whose name I won’t say right now, is the God of Love, and Allah, your God is the God of Shame. Our God is a very very sweet loving guy. I mean his love is just indescribable, it’s so beautiful and perfect. But its really intimate and stuff, and I know you’re not into that at all, so don’t feel bad, you’ld be totally turned off by all the fags messing around in the Temple. Really our heaven is absolutely not your cup of tea. Our father is all warm and cuddly, like the ultimate teletubbie. I mean, he’s really like a child God. He has the heart of a child. Like everyone else in heaven. We’re all like kids here. And kids don’t like hate one another and stuff. And they don’t have shame. Everyone just happily loves everyone, boys loving boys, girls loving girls, children loving their parents, see we don’t have your silly little taboos in our heaven. We are one family in our heaven, one really really sweet little pussy cat of a mother who just likes to cuddle with her kitties all day long, and our daddy, I mean, you can’t even begin to describe how sweet and loving he is. I mean, we like live in a cartoon world up here and we all just squeek around like the cutest little tele-tubbies you ever saw. And I mean, I just love my daddy so much, I can hardly stand it. I mean when we start making love in the temple, the whole place is gonna melt into a puddle of the sweetest happiness anyone ever imagined.
So, even though I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to be with us, it’s pretty clear to me that our heaven just isn’t your kind of place. I don’t think you’re gonna like Allahland very much either, cuz down there they just like eat each other and stuff, its really not nice at all, but I think there might be a little special alternative for you people with your hybrid, your Allah in Christian clothing.
I think maybe we’ve arranged for the kind of heaven you want. We’ll give you a Christ who doesn’t talk about shame. I think the guy we have lined up for you is named Moon, you know, the guy whose followers call themselves “Moonies.” His organization is the Unification Church. I think they already declared him to be the messiah, so he’s ready for you, he’s ready to be our personal Lord and Savior whenever your ready to go to him! I’m so sorry, I know you don’t like brown skin and “slanty eyes” but there’s nothing you can do about that. My daddy’s got those too, plus he likes boys, so you’re for sure stuck on the brown skin and slanty eyes, one way or the other. I mean Moon’s eyes are a lot more slanty, but at least he’s not into boys.
I mean here’s your three choices as far as I know. Become a Moslem and move to Iraq and worship Allah when we send her over there, or the two guys from Asia, the God and the false christ. No other choices. We don’t have any all straight white male scenarios to offer you. You’ll have your time with Allah later on, so I say, your best bet for now is Moon. You know my dad, he’s the guy they used to call Krishna, back when that’s who he was. (I’ll try to paint a picture that’s will make you so glad you’re not coming to our heaven…) So if you did come over to our heaven you’ld have to deal with the fact that a whole bunch of those Hari Krishna people are gonna be up there singing and ringing their bells and chanting. And I know you’re not into that. At least Moon is more subdued than that. He’ll wear nice grey suits for you.
Well, so I wanna tell you about this other little heaven we might be arranging for you. I mean you’re gonna love this. Remember Hitler talked about a thousand years of peace that he was gonna bring to the world? Just like it says in the Bible? That’s this sort of temporary place - though you have to admit, a thousand years is pretty generous amount of time – where you can be with your own Christ, your own God, (you can make him up however you want him to be, you’ll like that, much better than having to deal with someone real who has real feelings and a real sensitive side that does get offended sometimes) and you can have everyone wearing a nice crisp police uniform and all of you can have a little can of herbicide that you can carry around to try to eradicate the cannabis plants that will inevitably be popping up all over the place since we, over in this other heaven, will be growing so much of the stuff and birds will be flying by and pooping out the seeds all over your place,,, so anyway, I’m sorry in advance about the epidemic of pot plants coming up everywhere, but that’s something to keep yourself busy on your rounds with your police uniform, making sure no one is touching anyone or loving anyone in an unacceptable way. Everyone can carry their billy-club phalluses around and hit people over the head who disobey any of the rules. Especially anyone who does anything indecent that reminds people of how ashamed they are.
So anyway, I forget where I was, was I asking you a question? Oh yeah I was telling you about your fascist Heaven that we’re gonna give you. Maybe everything south of the Mason Dixon Line. You can fly your confederate flags and we promise, no one is gonna make you take it down. You can make things just how you want “em.
It’s gonna be interesting to see what you will make of your heaven. I think we’re just have a good ol’ time over here in this heaven watching the spectacle over in that one. What did you think your heaven would look like? I mean, you were gonna live in heaven with a God and a bunch of you racist homophobic Christians together in exactly what kind of paradise? Football Sundays, Monster trucks on Mondays and World Wrestling on Tuesdays, Then two days of Nascar, that brings us to Friday, maybe just drink beer and mow the lawn on Friday.. hmm Saturdays have to be for golf, right? It really just doesn’t sound that great to me, but whatever floats your boat.
But it is kind of funny to me that you never got a chance to understand who your God was. I think you just had to sort of feel your way into inventing your own religion. I mean its kind of like supply and demand. The preachers that gave you what you wanted were the ones that got your money on Sunday, so the whole thing just slowly morphed into what you really wanted which is a religion of Shame. I guess that’s kind of how religions get made. Huh! Interesting! And you really did invent your own religion, because it sure as hell has nothing to do with me or my Dad! I mean nothing could be furher from the reality of how we think and who we are. So now you know. Nothing’s changed really, other than the names. Your heaven will look just the same as it would have even if you knew your God was named Allah, it makes no difference. In fact, I bet in a thousand years, it will look exactly like Allahland. SO it will be a nice smooth transition. Your idea of heaven will look just like hers, because it is.
One more thing. Now that you know your God is Allah, can you stop offending me by calling your religion Christianity? I mean, its up to you, but I just thought I’d ask. Oh I forgot, your gonna join the Unification Church. OK, that’s cool with me. You really should just call whatever religion you follow, Allahism. I mean, I don’t even want to call it Islam, because their religion is a big fat lie. I mean, does the Koran even mention that the real God of Islam, Allah, is really a woman and her son who she shamed after she got him to do her? No. So Allahism would be a good name to give it once people who worship the God of Shame know who their God really is. Anyway, call it whatever you want. Maybe your man Moon will have an answer.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Good luck in your future with Allah! Take care! Sorry things didn’t work out exactly like you thought, but like I said your Heaven will be pretty much the same, you just have to get used to having a woman God, instead of a male God.
At least that way you will be comfortable loving your God, because you can love women, but you would never in a million years be able to love our god, because you obviously are completely disinterested in ever loving a male god. I mean, there really is only one difference between a god and a man, and that is that we gods don’t have the problem with shame that you people have. So in heaven we guys like to lie around and play with one another. Its really nice, but I know you’re not into that stuff anyway. So no loss for you, and now you have a God you can love and touch and be intimate with.
Sincerely,
Tinky Winky
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